As a kid I always thought about what it would be like, what I would look like, how I would know everything and how my life would be sorted. You know, when you think about being ten years older, you always feel like you’ll know better, feel better and understand things better. You think you would know what to do and know exactly what you want in your life.
Well, guess what? This is probably the most fucked up I have ever been in the 21 years that I’ve lived. And by the way, in school I was the chubby girl with braces who got bullied quite often.
You believe that to be true as you grow up because you believe you would be mature enough to understand and handle stuff, but well, utopia only exists in our imagination. Ignoring the fact that people will almost always behave like they are still 15-year-olds looking for acceptance and doing the same old petty shit that they used to, the problem with adulthood is more than adults acting like they’re still kids. It is more like, ‘Am I supposed to be in charge? Because I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!’
I graduated this year and I had always dreamed of this time as being probably the best moment of my life. But leaving aside the fact that a college degree doesn’t mean squat anymore, I realized that I have never been more confused in my life.
We’ve always played by certain rules our whole life. We know that we have a certain set of subjects, that we have to give tests and exams to pass them and that will lead us to the next grade. There were all these rules that our parents made for us and we were all caught up in trying to keep up with that, school/college, making our relationships work while trying not to screw up. I was doing just that.
Then I graduated and suddenly I had all this freedom. At the same time, I was also supposed to decide what I wanted to do in life, make a plan and work towards it.
But, what I don’t understand is that while we were pressured into learning how pollination works, how a2+b2=c2 and what William Wordsworth tried to say in ‘Daffodils’, how can we be freaking expected to know what we exactly want in life, to definitely know what our career should be and how the hell to handle our finances?
I mean, I feel like we are immediately supposed to know what our calling is and just stick with it and if we don’t, we just get tagged as confused kids with no aim in life. But you see, we never got a chance.
Everything in our life has literally happened by someone else planning it for us and suddenly NOW we are supposed to make every decision on our own and it has to be the right decision and honestly, I just feel lost. I know some peeps know what they want to do from the time they were five years old or others who somehow just make peace with the job they stumble onto. A few others were just lucky to realise early on that they had no talent whatsoever and that they'd be better off marrying rich guys and not worrying about a career. But I don’t know why I haven’t been able to do so.
A couple of months ago I gave into the pressure and decided that ‘hotel management’ was the right career option for me. I enrolled into a college just so I could get an MBA in hotel management and not waste my time, hoping that maybe, in the two years I’d spend studying there, I would learn to like it and at least I’ll have a job in the end. I would be studying and not wasting my time. And let me tell you, it was the stupidest mistake ever.
Seriously. I never checked this place out, never even tried to understand what I want from life and just packed my bags, said goodbye to my friends who acted like I was dying and family that was surprisingly, pretty okay with me being away for two years, and was ready to go. All the way from Mumbai to Ooty.
When I reached there and saw what was going to be my ‘new home,’ I hated it. I came back the next day. I spent the rest of the month feeling guilty, sad and confused; all of which could be avoided if I had just taken a breather after my exams (that stretched on for two months and ended only in June, thankyouverymuch Mumbai University) and really tried to understand what I wanted to do.
Basically, it is bad. Growing up and having to be an adult is just bad. Because, you are old enough to make your own decisions but you never know if you are actually smart enough. People get more complicated, relationships redefine the word complicated and you can’t even describe yourself in a word anymore because, seriously, I don’t even feel like I’m human.
I don’t know.
I was supposed to feel good and settled and sorted. But all I feel is confused, frustrated and quite frankly, kinda constipated. Can’t we all just give ourselves a break and just not be afraid to lose the race and figure out what we want instead? I mean would it really cause so much shame to our parents if we just wanted to travel for a year or read a ton of books and just do what we wanted? Even if it is just to breathe without worrying about the test that week or that we have an assignment to submit or do we just have to totally sort out our lives right-freaking-now or we’ll be poor and alone and have fungus growing on us or whatever?
Honestly, I still haven’t figured it out.
But after so many years of doing what I am supposed to, I deserve a little me time.