September 28, 2015

Live Tweet | Bombay Velvet



Hello, peeps!

Sorry for the delay, but here's the compilation of our tweets from when we watched Bombay Velvet last weekend. If you've already read these, scroll down for our final views.



Kritika 

Look, I have nothing against these actors or the director or the producer or anyone related to this movie, but I just have to ask, What in God’s name were you trying to freaking do?

The movie starts with Bombay in the late 1940s, when the British had just left, India was free and Bombay was the hub of glamour and business. It was when Bombay came to be known as the land of hopes and dreams. Well, these peeps crushed it all for me.

Nikita

It was not that bad. At least they got the look of old Bombay right, right?

Kritika

First of all, I doubt Jazz was the most popular kind of music back then. Also, they tried to make Bombay look like one of the cities from an old Hollywood movie where there were rich clubs and dazzling fashion couture and everything was just champagne and roses. Even New York at that time probably wasn’t this hep, man! (I’ve watched Mad Men. Okay!).

Nikita

Actually, maybe New York was, but then again, it's freaking NEW YORK! They weren't ruled by the British!

Kritika

Okay, FINE!! But the setting of the movie wasn’t the only thing that was kind of annoying, it was the characters too. Balraj (Ranbir Kapoor) came to the city as a bastard child, started as a mugger and then turned into a part time fighter but then upgraded to being a smuggler. Then some rich dude in bright-coloured clothes...


Nikita

...that he was trying to steal from, by the way...


Kritika

...hired him as a hit man and opened a club in his name, and then Balraj start calling himself Johnny to sound cool. I’m pretty sure even Ranbir Kapoor entered and then left the set pretty confused.

Then we met Rosie (Anushka Sharma), the girl who could sing like a 22-year-old even when she was 10. She was discovered while she sang in the church choir. This middle-aged man went to her mom and told her he wanted to ‘train’ her and her mother gladly agreed to send her young daughter with a strange man. (Talk about good parenting).

Then, obviously, she had to be beaten and raped, because how else would a child sing otherwise, right? She finally grew up, got the balls to attack her abuser, and ran away...

Nikita

...straight into the arms of a pervert-photographer who wanted her to wear skimpy clothes for the picture because that's how Bombay girls do it. My point is, why? Why did we have to know so much about Balraj and Rosie's back story when it had no impact on the story?

Kritika

What are you saying? Of course, it had an impact! Didn't you know that the lead characters of a movie have to have fucked up childhoods to succeed in their lives, later? But honestly, if this was the real world, Johnny would probably end up in jail and Rosie would develop Stockholm syndrome and still be with her abuser, but noooooooooooooo. No matter how much they try to make this like a Hollywood movie, this is Bollywood and it always will be.

Nikita

What's Stockholm syndrome? And how do you know about this?

Kritika

a) Google it. And b) I've studied psychology for FOUR years.

Nikita

Fine! 

Kritika

So the rest of the movie was a no-brainer too. Damaged boy meets damaged girl, looks at her, falls in love, and then protects her from some idiot who tried to touch her. The girl likes him too but goes with another man because he’s a 'big shot' and our lover boy is not. (But we can’t blame her, she is kind of slow). The girl then comes back to the hero because her boyfriend wants her to spy on lover boy. But the hero thinks it’s because he now has money and that desperate piece of a man is okay with it.

By the way, this is the perfect example of, “Hey, I don’t know how to make the protags be together so let’s just make up some bullshit situation ‘coz, well, the protags are good looking. People won’t notice. 

Well, guess what, YOUR MOVIE WAS A FUCKING FLOP!!!

While I was feeling bad for myself for deciding to watch this movie, I also felt bad for them because they tried so hard to create all of these mysteries but unfortunately, they were still unable to spark any kind of interest in me. 

Nikita

I agree with you on that. There was just too much unnecessary information in the first half and maybe, just maybe I would have found the movie slightly more interesting if they had just cut some of it out. Too many details.

Kritika

Right? I mean, there was a point during the movie where I thought I’d rather study than watch this movie, and I’m not even in college anymore.

Nikita

Jeez, maybe I should take my own advice and cut the 1,30,000 words down to 90,000 or we'll have people like us after our life. Karma, maybe? I need to get to work, Kritika...

Kritika

Waaaaitt! Let's finish this. So, anyway, eventually, the heroine falls in true love with the hero, duh, and he finds out she is spy, gets angry at her but fakes her death just to prove to his business partner that he’s taken care of it. Meanwhile, he is also a part-time fighter and murderer...

Nikita

...even though he has his own club to run...

Kritika

...and a full-time puppy dog to the heroine, but sometimes he bites. Bad doggie!!

But hey, doggie gets killed in the end because his business partner (Khambatta) was in love with him and hated the fact that Johnny was straight. I mean, why the hell would a straight guy not want to be with an old fat gay dude who has a wardrobe brighter than Nicki Minaj, has no morals and a questionable relationship with a woman whom he calls his wife...

Nikita

...but uses her as a prop to lay traps for other men with equally questionable morals...?

Kritika

Clearly that is a reason to want to kill someone!

Nikita

Classic case of, ‘If I can’t have you then no one else can.’ And look who he was competing with? A nice, good-looking GIRL. Sheesh! I can’t believe I just called Anushka ‘nice.’

Kritika

In Khambatta's defence, Johnny also betrayed him but it all came down to Khambatta saying, “Uss mein aisa kya hai jo mujh mein nahi hai?

Nikita

Well, we all know what she had that he didn't, don't we? ;)

Kritika

But all in all, I think that Ranbir and Anushka are good actors who just made a shitty choice by doing this film. This film just seems more like the first draft of a story – no editing, no polishing, and nobody to give them an honest review. It just proves how a director thinks that people are stupid, how Karan Johar will make or star in anything that involves a lot of money and well, that no matter how much Anushka denies it, she did get her lips done. Gurrrrrrl, if you done it then atleast own up to it.

Nikita


Luls!

Kritika

So, at the end of this, all I'd like to say to those who haven’t watched the movie: Don’t watch it unless you guys feel that you’ve been too happy lately and some grief is due in your lives. 

Nikita

We hope you all enjoyed this. In another two weeks, we'll watch another movie and Live-Tweet it. We'll announce it on our Facebook Page, Instagram and Twitter. Follow us for more updates. In the meantime, you will see other posts from Kritika and me, here as well.

See you all soon!

Love,
The Azad Sisters. <3

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